Once known

I want you to know,

that I was the one who turned the leaves different colors for you,

because I wanted to give you a rainbow in the trees.

There was a time in my life

when I had given up everything for you

and it’s now a time that I still cant get away from.

I look at my watch

like it belonged to someone else

and in the blink of an eye,

these years have shattered

and these fingers have splattered blood drops

just trying to pick up the shards

long enough for me to remember.

You haunt me, even under the brightest lights,

in the rooms without shadows,

or noises from the mouth-breathers.

You haunt every thought I have

and I feel like I’ve died for you already

because my mind

has a death grip

on the memory of us together.

So I want you to know

that I was up all night

carving out the snowflakes for this winter,

making sure they were all small enough

so that billions of them could land without waking you up.

 

I know we don’t remember things the same way,

but in my mind,

it was my refusal to back down

that stabbed me in the back

and the noose around my neck gave only just enough slack

so that I could stand on my toes,

but I could never be the ballerina long enough

to keep myself from choking

on all the ticket stubs, pictures and first date gum wrappers

that I still keep in the drawer I never open.

I want you to know

that I know

that this depression in what pushed you away

and i made you do the one thing you were too afraid to say.

I made you leave me.

So I left you a trail of clouds

so that you could find me one day,

somewhere between the lightning and the thunder,

but i always kept myself somewhere beneath the rain,

somewhere behind the wind.

 

I want you to know

that I know

that you know

that…this can go on forever, but

when you thought I was sleeping

I had kept one eye open

watching you poke holes in the sky to give me the stars.

Maybe I just want you to know

that i still think of you

and our first night sober

when you looked me in the eye

and pulled out the blue ribbon of my secrets

and used it to tie our hands together,

maybe that`s what connected us,

this love.

The kind of love that was never meant to be chained,

but was never meant to be set free.

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